The difference between the two....

Me- I'm hungry...
Indo- Go eat

Me- I'm hungry...
Scallops- Do you want me to get you something?

Decision made.

Yesterday's snippets

Chef- (checking the refrigerator for ingredients) Angela, do you need anything else for prep? Carrots? Lettuce? Mushrooms? Attention?

Me- I love that little boy. He's so cute.
Scallops- Everytime I'm at their house, he always sits on my lap like I'm a priest.

Me- I wanted to carry the little boy.
Scallops- That little fucker is heavy as shit. He's on a diet. One time he slammed the door while saying, "There ain't nothin to eat around here!!!!!"

Me- Hi guys, are you guys ready for drinks?
Party of 6 mexicans- ¿el té está caliente? ¿Qué tienen ellos?
Me- (Still waiting...) Yes the tea is hot and we have coke products.
Woman- Oooooh you speak spanish?
Me- No. I just understand because my boyfriend's mexican
Man- I know who your boyfriend is
Me- Which one?

---FUCK.

(Singing happy birthday to an 8 year old boy)
Me- Ok, now make a wish and blow your candles!
Boy- I wish I was a good boy and I wish I'm little again!
(blows a spray of spit on the cake)
Mom- Now who wants cake?!!!

Mexican Chef- So you should be my second girlfriend.
Me- You don't want me. I'm already having a hard time with two men because I'm fucking selfish.
Mexican Chef- It's ok. I have a Prince Albert. So is that a yes?

(5:00AM and Danielle babbling on the phone)
Me- Danielle, I'm sleepy. I have to work the next day.
Danielle- Well, I'm sorry that you have to be responsible... soo I was saying...

Me- (On imeem browsing music) What the fuck does it take for a girl to get some DO OR DIE around here?!!
Danielle- You have to get past the NB RIDAZ and it should lead you there.

My mom- She's really pretty... She's half
Me- Half what? Dog?

THE FUCKING END!

Numb

Is it so bad to say... to say that I don't have any feelings towards Indo's heart attack?

I feel bad for not feeling bad about it.

That has to count for something. I wish I felt remorseful, noting that some kind of divine intervention must have sent this as a sign. OR his history of heart disease has come back to haunt him.

I'm still searching for any drop of pity that I could offer as a consolation. I want to care but I don't... I've been telling him that he needed medical intervention for a while now, since he began to feel numbness in his extremities but he didn't listen. The numbness and shortness of breath were premonitions for his fate. He still didn't listen. When the big storm actually happened, I was too tired to care. A part of me even wanted to say "I TOLD YOU SO."

Even worse, the relationship has been in rough patches for a while and I just began spending time with my ex to seek the attention that I'm not getting. This is the worse time to break things off. I've been putting a band aid on the knicks and scratches but they don't seem to be healing at all.

He needs me right now. I wish I needed him too.

Heartache.

Indo had a heart attack at his work today.

I wonder if he knows...

I broke his heart.

Bronzer

What's up with bitches OD'ing on bronzer or warmth from Bare Minerals? A sprinkle gives pallor complexions glow, the whole tub looks like dirt on your face. Say with me, "Bleeeeeennnnddd".

Confession

The day before New Year's Eve, I had my mom call in sick for me stating that I was in the emergency room for a strep throat. I didn't feel like working New Year's Eve or that following friday because I was sick (common cold) and didn't want to do 16 hour days (morning spent at the pharmacy and nights at the restaurant). My boss was fine with it until everyone else mysteriously comes down with illnesses, hence making her short staffed at such short notice.

On New Year's Day, she called my house and I accidently picked up. Fuck. She asked how I was feeling and then casually asked me to bring in a doctor's note. I said "yes" even if I didn't have one or had any idea how I would obtain one.

What's worse about this scenario is the fact that I did come up with a doctor's note (a legit one, don't ask how.) and painted a bruise on my inner elbow to simulate where an IV would have been. I could have convinced myself that these events really did occur with the evidence I provided.

Sometimes I scare myself with my capabilities. Lying is not good. Most times I find it easier to go around the perimeter than to cross the bridge. Nevertheless, I need to stop.

Square One

Someone once told me that whatever a person chooses to do on New Years Day will set the tone for the entire year...

On January 1st, I decided to play with faith and chose what I did with much consideration.

1. I went to the hospital to squeeze in some more externship hours for the pharmacy program in hopes that I do get hired there.
2. I spent time with Scallops, an ex boyfriend. (Scallops in reference to his profession. He's a scallops fisherman, think Deadliest Catch on Discovery Channel)

Decision #2 has been well thought out for weeks on end. We had a spring/summer fling until things cooled off in August before Indo got his shot. I know it's not fair for Indo and that just defeated the purpose of one of my resolutions but I always had "What if?" on my mind since things have ended with Scallops.

For months, Indo and I have been fighting tirelessly. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted of carrying all his excess baggage of insecurities and traumatizing experiences accumulated from his past relationships. Day after day it's the same fight. On New Year's Eve he told me that he had bought an engagement ring and he wanted to propose the next day. I felt a rope tighten around my neck. I told him, "I'm not ready."

I hate to admit that at the end of the day I do know who and what I want. Saying it out loud makes it real so I won't. I'm not ready for that either...

Lying and being indecisive. That's strike two. Fuck.