Square One

Someone once told me that whatever a person chooses to do on New Years Day will set the tone for the entire year...

On January 1st, I decided to play with faith and chose what I did with much consideration.

1. I went to the hospital to squeeze in some more externship hours for the pharmacy program in hopes that I do get hired there.
2. I spent time with Scallops, an ex boyfriend. (Scallops in reference to his profession. He's a scallops fisherman, think Deadliest Catch on Discovery Channel)

Decision #2 has been well thought out for weeks on end. We had a spring/summer fling until things cooled off in August before Indo got his shot. I know it's not fair for Indo and that just defeated the purpose of one of my resolutions but I always had "What if?" on my mind since things have ended with Scallops.

For months, Indo and I have been fighting tirelessly. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted of carrying all his excess baggage of insecurities and traumatizing experiences accumulated from his past relationships. Day after day it's the same fight. On New Year's Eve he told me that he had bought an engagement ring and he wanted to propose the next day. I felt a rope tighten around my neck. I told him, "I'm not ready."

I hate to admit that at the end of the day I do know who and what I want. Saying it out loud makes it real so I won't. I'm not ready for that either...

Lying and being indecisive. That's strike two. Fuck.