Take care of yourself, sweetheart.

"We met and we talked and it was epic."

Smells like fish.......

Open letter to the Girl with the Simpsons' mouth:

Congratulations! You paid $5000 for a botched double eyelid surgery to look like my big toe. I would give your face a makeover by a smack of a hot pan but looks like your mom's vagina beat me to it when she pushed your ugly ass out.

Lucky charms

I could always count on my lucky underwear. I wear it everytime I feel down and need a boost. Lots of good things have happened to me wearing this underwear. I passed my pharm tech license in these, bought my first car, passed my driver's license test, along with countless other draws of luck that I can't even remember right this minute. I've had this pair since I was a freshman in highschool and I'm sad that it now has an ugly hole in the front. I plan on cutting it up and making something out of it so I can keep it with me at all times. It's the only reason that I look forward to laundry day, so that I could have it fresh for me to wear once again. Today my boyfriend asked me to take it off and give it to him as a birthday present. I told him that he would have to give me his fancy car in exchange. That's how much I love this underwear. Who knows, I could be getting married in this very pair.

All time favorites...

Aside from looking at porno, a chunk of my time online is spent either looking at retail or reading beauty blogs. This is not a beauty blog of course and I'm no expert but I've had a love affair with makeup since my I was little playing with my grandma's makeup. Along the way I've accrued a long list of favorites that are tested true to their capabilities.

Since I'm bored right now I thought I'd list my favorites.

1. Liquid eyeliner: Revlon Colorstay is practically the same if not better than Mac's. I used to use the Mac liquid eyeliner and it would make my eyes sting like crazy. Just remember to throw it away once the felt tip begins to get soft and fiber-y.



2. Pencil eyeliner: Stila Kajal is very easy on your lids. It is very soft and easily smudged so what I do is I line my waterline with it then set it with a black eyeshadow to prevent racoon eyes later. Good drug store eyeliners from Rimmel, Revlon Colorstay, Almay but I find that Stila has the most longevity. It's worth the $18 price.



3. Eyeshadow Primer: Urban Decay Primer Potion will take your makeup to another level.



4. Foundation: Bare Escentuals. This is a no brainer, I've been using the stuff for three years now. Just remember that it does have an expiration date so don't push it because you will break it. WILL.



5. Concealer: Benefit's Erase Paste does a beautiful job of covering my undereye shadows. I'm looking to try Benefit's Boing next because I heard that it's even better but this does the job for me.



6. Mascara: Lancome knows their stuff. Good drug store finds are the Maybeline XXL line. I love the waterproof formula because it holds lash curl very well.



7. Eyeshadow: I have a long list of favorites but Milani makes GREAT pigmented eyeshadows from only $6 each. You could find Milani at Target. My favorite shade from Milani Beach Sand, it looks like just Mac's Honey Lust. It's a good neutral, everyday shimmer. Just make sure that you apply it WET for best pigmented results.



8. Skin regiment: Acne Free. I have acne prone skin and Acne Free saved my skin. I've been using it for four years now. It's pretty much a generic and less harsh version of Proactive. You can find this at Walmart from $20.



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I know I only listed a couple of things from a hundred things that I do use but my objective was to list the basics (i.e. eyeliner, eyeshadow, face makeup, etc). Also, I am still learning about different types of products. I'm still in the market for my perfect bronzer, and blush for example. There are so many things out there and I only hope that sharing my loves could help someone out there the same way

Salvage ships

My days are a blur. With everyday passing through like water through fingers, it seems that way. Today I woke up and I thought to myself, "fuck I'm in a rut."

While my busineses are in order (very happy about), I now have the time to notice the gaping holes in my romantic relationship that I've tried to plug shut with something I call bullshit. My boyfriend and I are sailing on a salvaged boat built with planks of comfort from being each other's company. Some people are more than happy with a "constant", a constant company in his or her lives. A "constant" is something familiar like that tatered Carebears blanket that you stroke a hundred times in order to fall asleep at night. When we feel down that constant is something that we crave because he or she could produce comfort better than a pint of Ben and Jerry's, hence when he or she is gone Ben and Jerry is second best.

My relationship is in power struggle for equilibrium. We both want each other, yes. It's a fight of our lives, whether or not to meet each other half way, outside of our comfort zones to make it work or to just stay in our sides. We are both fiercely holding down our forts. No one is budging because we like the idea of "us". We like the idea of having each other even if it meant having to turn our cheek on the creaks and leaks of this salvaged ship.

Like pulling out a bandaid from a hairy part of your leg... I like the suspense I suppose.

You're my angel. Nothing's gonna make you fall from heaven.

Song of the day: "They Don't Know" By Jon B.

Only I would detour to the drive thru at Sonic 2 minutes from my house because I wanted to finish listening this song on the radio.

The ball is rolling.

I'm on a momentum right now... a good one at that. Everyone reaches that point in his or her life when everything is in sync, equilibrium, and maybe even nirvana when I can hear the angels sing in harmony. Well, not the angels singing part but the in sync part, yes. I do feel like my ducks are in line. I'm not saying that I have accomplished everything I set to do this year but I'm in good track.

My mantra for 2009 is "No more shortcuts." No jinx to that.

Disposable

Let's put it this way... I'm a straight shooter. I've always been. When I make my mind up, I really do.

The biggest dilemma I usually face is always, "Is it worth time and effort to deal with it?" then it's either I walk away or I charge and gnaw like a lioness to its prey. Recently I've done some inventory on the people that I have in my life. I can be very harsh. My decisons are quick and most of the time I don't have boundaries but life is either black or white not gray. It's really hard to deal with at the end of the night but as bad as it sounds, some people are disposable.

Late

It's already four days past my 21st birthday and I haven't bought my first legal drink yet! I've been too fucking busy!!!!!!!!!!!!

I haven't had time to celebrate let alone plan it. The day of my birthday I bought a mustang and my week has been so crazy trying to get the show on the road with insurance, registrations, blah blah blah... I've pretty much scraped my bank account dry with all of this. Today I gave her a bath and she's soooo pretty!! I'll post pictures later since I can't find my USB cord. She's not much but the title is under my name and every penny equivs every ounce of sweat I've labored to acquire that car.

Until my ducks are lined up I would have to hold the fuck on. The price one pays for not havin a silver spoon welded in his or her mouth.

Birthday

As my twenty first come to a near (2 days), I'm feeling unpleasantly NORMAL.

Okay, I wasn't expecting fireworks but I do feel old. I feel like I'm turning thirty. I guess I've been middle aged for a long time. I'm boring. I like to sit at home, online shop, and drink my goddamn tea -_-

To sum it up I had an eventful twentieth year...

Heartache... lots of it.
Infidelity
Motherhood for the third year
Being everyone's rock
Attaining a career start
Handling my finances
Understanding my parents

There's more I'm sure... I'm a little sad about all of this. I could sit here and bitch and moan about how much I've fucked up but how would I learn to enjoy the simple pleasures if just slid through life like butter.

So here's to falling my face and being able to be the first one to laugh at it and the first to learn from it! Cheers.

Tradition

Every year I get older my parents begin to act up like a bunch of animals in heat. This tradition started last year when I turned twenty. This year I turn twenty one and I feel a big climax on its way. They usually start out complaining about miniscule issues such as why I didn't brush my daughter's hair and end with a big finish by blaming everyone else around me for the reason why for everything I do. It's starting to get annoying and not too long ago I had a showdown with my mom when I asked her why she was so goddamn rude.

Last year they castrated me of my freedom by cutting off my financial resources. Imagine having to pay off $4000 of student loans in 6 months working only 3 days a week and supporting my child and I. They had my balls on a plate and feasted on it while I was pinching pennies. Even with that, I still proved that there wasn't anything they could do to stop me. I'm a fucking fighter. Still, I'm anxious to see what they have in store for me this year because they are starting to pre-game with just a week and a half to my birthday. I'm not saying I know everything because that's impossible but I do know that this year the gloves are off.

This year I'm pushing back because sometimes, family isn't everything.

Lucky

I wore my lucky undewear today because I thought it would bring me good luck.

It did bring me good luck, just not the luck I was looking for. If only we could pick our luck.

Complaining

All people do on blogger is complain.

BORING!

Relapse

I've been sober of you for a month now...

I thought I was strong enough but your power is still greater. It's like you have invisible strings attached to my back... like a marionnete, you control me.

Somehow I know that you aren't losing sleep over me.

I've been sober for a month now... but not tonight. Tonight I succumbed.

And I hit cold, hard concrete.

Au naturel

I hate waiting, especially when my "faux au naturel look" is beginning to melt down my face. Morning fucks suck.

Anyway, as I wait patiently I'll make a list of my biggest pet peeves. They aren't in any particular order and I'm just pulling them out of my ass right now.

1. Cakey makeup. Ok, I'm not putting my foot in my mouth with this since I do wear a lot of makeup but the key is wearing it while letting your own features shine through.
2. Full strip eyelashes in the daytime. The purpose is to enhance, not scream to the world "look at me, I can glue falsies on."
3. Sponge tip eyeshadow applicators.
4. PLAID. I'm so fucking sick of lumberjack as being the "cool indie kids" uniform.
5. ^^Cool wannabe indie kids. hahaha
6. Insecurity
7. Unblended makeup -_-
8. Musky smells
9. People touching my face
10. Bratty smart mouthed little kids
11. Asian men who think they are the shit because they scored a white girl. Oh, no double standard. Same goes with asian women. I seen it too many times.
12. Poor/rude diners. The way I look at it, if you don't have money to tip, then you don't have money to eat out. Plain and simple.

Gosh.. that's awfully short. Considering how big of a hater I am, I thought that it would be a longer list. Anyway, I need to put deodorant on and brush my teef. Tata!

If you just realize, what I just realized...

It's seven minutes shy of 5 in the morning.

I'm still up and I have to be up for work at 10.

I have no discipline.

Things I'm obsessed with

In no particular order...

1. V-neck everything
   --Boobs look sexier in a v-neck than in a halter. I hate stringy halters.
2. my eyebrows
   --The eyebrows are the inner frame to your face. Your hair is first.
3. finding a better good highlighter/contour powder
   --Can hide last night's chinese takeout bloat.
4. dewy skin
   --One word: ETHEREAL
5. solitaire studs
   --CLASSIC, unpretentious
6. dainty necklaces
   --Again, unpretentious. Preferrably a 16" chain so the pendant nestles nicely in the space between your clavicles. It accentuates the sexiest part of a woman's body... her neck.
7. raw green tea leaves
   --It reduces water bloat FAST!
8. Burts Bees products
   --The only products that ever soothe Ava's dry skin and my sad cuticles.

I'm pretty sure there's more. It's funny that half my obsession pertains to vanity when I don't even like getting pedicures and manicures. In my opinion its the minor details that count. A person doesn't have to have top shelf cosmetics, clothes, or pampering to be beautiful. It's how you strut what you do have. As cliche as it sounds, it's about confidence and inner beauty that fuels the best of us to shine through, drugstore clad or not.

Answers

It's like peeling a band aid off a hairy part of your leg...

There have been speculations regarding my stories... well yeah, they're all real. I'm extremely candid. I seem to think that just because they take place far away from home that they don't count? haha! Of course I would mind if people that I work/play with knew about this but they don't so I get a chance to outlet and share these bizaare happenings with others semi-anonymously. Why should I be embarassed? What I write is raw and spur of the moment. It's a diary. My life has been an exhilarating rollercoaster ride the past year. It's been a rude awakening, blessing, and inspiration. I can't imagine my life being anything else but. I would hate my life to stand still or go back to normal because I can't even remember how that's like. Hopefully it just gets more interesting from this point on.

Reboot

Change of plans. It's not a story that I am ready or mature enough to write.

Back to square one.

It's already April. Where has the year gone by? Just a year ago I was standing in this exact same position. Time for a new story.

The good list

Things to be happy about today:

1. I'm only $600 shy of my goal down payment for a new car.
2. I got a pair of rich and skinny's for $30
3. Stocking up on $60 worth of snacks!
4. I got out of bed today and I haven't been back in

Time

Wounds eventually heal with time. Be careful not to pick at the scabs... leave it alone and time will do it's magic. One day it will be gone. There might be a scar but this will just remind us how it's finally over and done with, along with the dozen of scars that faded with time.

The pain reminded me that I'm human and I am not invincible. The pain brought me back to life.
Today is that first day that I was happy to be awake.

When you are rock bottom, there is nowhere else to go but up. Keep telling myself that.

Jump

Uncertainty is my enemy. I don't jump unless I'm sure of a soft, safe, and comfortable landing to catch me when I fall. In rare occasions do I jump. I usually have one foot firmly planted on point A before placing both feet on point B.

Life isn't a gamble to me. It's stategies, statistics, plans, games, pros, and cons. Unfortunately, strategies are intercepted. Statistics are recalculated. Pros and cons jot equally. Games don't go on forever.

After the storm's passing, I find myself standing still at the edge of the cliff praying for the courage to jump. I don't want to jump on my own feet. I'm not ready.

Scallops

I'm sorry. I need you. Please come back. It hurt to see you go.

Please. I'm begging. Please.

bare

I was laying naked on the couch. It's dim inside the house but there were sun rays peeking through the blinds' crevices. I'm a little bit worried. He's used to seeing me with a full face of makeup and now with just a stitch of eyeliner that's has began to smudge down my cheek. He ran his fingers on body slowly traveling up to my cheek and out of his mouth he uttered, "So pretty." I looked right at him and grabbed my clothes.

"Maybe you should go. I'm tired." I said.

I don't like feeling vulnerable.

Thoughts

Sometimes you want filet mignon....

Absence makes the heart rift.

I haven't talked to Scallops in two weeks. He's been out fishing so I haven't talked to him since he left. I hate to say that it's become easier being without him.

What if I don't want my life to be easy without him?

Must be recession...

So I was doing my daily retail roundup online, checking for new merchandise, essentially bargains before coming across this.

This maxi dress (click the on the image above) from forever 21 is listed under new items when in fact this is from the brand's summer inventory. How do I know? I have that same fucking dress and I bought it in July. A couple of months ago, this dress was collecting pity in the 2 for $20 rack during the summit of fall/winter inventory arrivals. Now that spring is just a stretch from February, it's being marketed as a new item, with it's original price!

Recession isn't an excuse to ruse consumers into purchasing off season merchandise for novelty prices, especially with the brand's reputation for catering to a young budget conscious demographic. This leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Polyester/rayon blends are getting too itchy for my armpits anyway.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Being left naked in bed alone.

I went off on Indo the other day because he found it necessary to leave me in bed so that he can indulge in a ciggarette outside. It's fucking rude to leave your significant other in bed midst an intimate conversation... naked! Bathroom breaks and hydration breaks are exceptions... but for a fucking ciggarette?! I didn't see this as an emergency. He wasn't foaming at the mouth. He wasn't having a seizure. It's fucking ridiculous!

Crush

I have a crush on my coworker.

This is how I know why:

1. I avoid him
2. I don't look at him in the eye, and when I do, I cover my mouth when I'm smiling
3. I like to look at empty space while acting charming if I'm in his line of sight
4. I get jealous when he talks to other girls
5. I get jealous when he brings up his gf
6. I take everything he says up the butt
7. I want to go to work

Fucking lame. Now back to reality...

Today, what started out to be alchohol bribery ended badly.

My korean friend (girl) has been having problems with her deadbeat live in boyfriend so I suggested she stuck around and I'll pick up the tab for her alcohol. Two large hot sakes and three bud lites for a 95 lb., 4'10" with nothing to adhere to but two horrendous sushi rolls... Go figure.

One thing led to another, then she was crying... red... and sloppy. So note to self: Don't buy anyone alcohol who has outstanding issues with life!

Thank god she wasn't driving.

Valentines Day is coming up, which would make it my one year anniversary since I started working at this restaurant. It's already February... where the fuck has the year gone by?

Good News

I passed my pharmacy tech board exam today! Fuck yeah!!!!!!!!

Now I don't have an excuse to not fold my laundry that's been sitting in the basket for a month!

Cycles

My entire life operates around cycles. I wander off from my point of origin for quite some time but eventually I end up back at square one. Once in a blue moon I complete an era and break away from my orbit just to begin yet another cycle.

Today my coworker kissed me in the cooler and I kissed back. Then I wonder, "What the fuck am I doing?" I have two wonderful men who I can't even make decision upon and here I am adding another item on my laundry list. Two wonderful men that I want equally. Two wonderful men that go to bed thinking that I am theirs.

A girl from work asked me how I am able to manage double lives. I told her the following...

1. Lie.
2. Never admit you're wrong.
3. Never apologize.
4. Never feel bad.

I'm spinning in place. Eventually I will tire out and end up alone or content. Anyway, isn't happiness the pot of gold we all seek at the end of the rainbow; no matter how many cycles or revolutions it takes to get there.

The difference between the two....

Me- I'm hungry...
Indo- Go eat

Me- I'm hungry...
Scallops- Do you want me to get you something?

Decision made.

Yesterday's snippets

Chef- (checking the refrigerator for ingredients) Angela, do you need anything else for prep? Carrots? Lettuce? Mushrooms? Attention?

Me- I love that little boy. He's so cute.
Scallops- Everytime I'm at their house, he always sits on my lap like I'm a priest.

Me- I wanted to carry the little boy.
Scallops- That little fucker is heavy as shit. He's on a diet. One time he slammed the door while saying, "There ain't nothin to eat around here!!!!!"

Me- Hi guys, are you guys ready for drinks?
Party of 6 mexicans- ¿el té está caliente? ¿Qué tienen ellos?
Me- (Still waiting...) Yes the tea is hot and we have coke products.
Woman- Oooooh you speak spanish?
Me- No. I just understand because my boyfriend's mexican
Man- I know who your boyfriend is
Me- Which one?

---FUCK.

(Singing happy birthday to an 8 year old boy)
Me- Ok, now make a wish and blow your candles!
Boy- I wish I was a good boy and I wish I'm little again!
(blows a spray of spit on the cake)
Mom- Now who wants cake?!!!

Mexican Chef- So you should be my second girlfriend.
Me- You don't want me. I'm already having a hard time with two men because I'm fucking selfish.
Mexican Chef- It's ok. I have a Prince Albert. So is that a yes?

(5:00AM and Danielle babbling on the phone)
Me- Danielle, I'm sleepy. I have to work the next day.
Danielle- Well, I'm sorry that you have to be responsible... soo I was saying...

Me- (On imeem browsing music) What the fuck does it take for a girl to get some DO OR DIE around here?!!
Danielle- You have to get past the NB RIDAZ and it should lead you there.

My mom- She's really pretty... She's half
Me- Half what? Dog?

THE FUCKING END!

Numb

Is it so bad to say... to say that I don't have any feelings towards Indo's heart attack?

I feel bad for not feeling bad about it.

That has to count for something. I wish I felt remorseful, noting that some kind of divine intervention must have sent this as a sign. OR his history of heart disease has come back to haunt him.

I'm still searching for any drop of pity that I could offer as a consolation. I want to care but I don't... I've been telling him that he needed medical intervention for a while now, since he began to feel numbness in his extremities but he didn't listen. The numbness and shortness of breath were premonitions for his fate. He still didn't listen. When the big storm actually happened, I was too tired to care. A part of me even wanted to say "I TOLD YOU SO."

Even worse, the relationship has been in rough patches for a while and I just began spending time with my ex to seek the attention that I'm not getting. This is the worse time to break things off. I've been putting a band aid on the knicks and scratches but they don't seem to be healing at all.

He needs me right now. I wish I needed him too.

Heartache.

Indo had a heart attack at his work today.

I wonder if he knows...

I broke his heart.

Bronzer

What's up with bitches OD'ing on bronzer or warmth from Bare Minerals? A sprinkle gives pallor complexions glow, the whole tub looks like dirt on your face. Say with me, "Bleeeeeennnnddd".

Confession

The day before New Year's Eve, I had my mom call in sick for me stating that I was in the emergency room for a strep throat. I didn't feel like working New Year's Eve or that following friday because I was sick (common cold) and didn't want to do 16 hour days (morning spent at the pharmacy and nights at the restaurant). My boss was fine with it until everyone else mysteriously comes down with illnesses, hence making her short staffed at such short notice.

On New Year's Day, she called my house and I accidently picked up. Fuck. She asked how I was feeling and then casually asked me to bring in a doctor's note. I said "yes" even if I didn't have one or had any idea how I would obtain one.

What's worse about this scenario is the fact that I did come up with a doctor's note (a legit one, don't ask how.) and painted a bruise on my inner elbow to simulate where an IV would have been. I could have convinced myself that these events really did occur with the evidence I provided.

Sometimes I scare myself with my capabilities. Lying is not good. Most times I find it easier to go around the perimeter than to cross the bridge. Nevertheless, I need to stop.

Square One

Someone once told me that whatever a person chooses to do on New Years Day will set the tone for the entire year...

On January 1st, I decided to play with faith and chose what I did with much consideration.

1. I went to the hospital to squeeze in some more externship hours for the pharmacy program in hopes that I do get hired there.
2. I spent time with Scallops, an ex boyfriend. (Scallops in reference to his profession. He's a scallops fisherman, think Deadliest Catch on Discovery Channel)

Decision #2 has been well thought out for weeks on end. We had a spring/summer fling until things cooled off in August before Indo got his shot. I know it's not fair for Indo and that just defeated the purpose of one of my resolutions but I always had "What if?" on my mind since things have ended with Scallops.

For months, Indo and I have been fighting tirelessly. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted of carrying all his excess baggage of insecurities and traumatizing experiences accumulated from his past relationships. Day after day it's the same fight. On New Year's Eve he told me that he had bought an engagement ring and he wanted to propose the next day. I felt a rope tighten around my neck. I told him, "I'm not ready."

I hate to admit that at the end of the day I do know who and what I want. Saying it out loud makes it real so I won't. I'm not ready for that either...

Lying and being indecisive. That's strike two. Fuck.